So friends, it’s a new year (Duh). And though I feel happy, I’m still going through a lot of emotional turmoil and seeking growth. I’m pretty much going through a breakup again. In fact, if you know me well, I’m notorious for recycling old loves. The loneliness post-holidays and the pressures of the new year really caused me to lean back on a connection I had with someone who has become a dear friend, but also a toxic ex. I found myself out with friends on Saturday night, having a great time, doing our usual thing, eating and drinking too much, laughing till we busted our guts (quite literally, for me). We talked about real things and fake things, caught up on news, pasts and presents. Looking back on the pictures, I almost don’t recognize myself. I am bloated and puffy, wearing too much makeup in an effort to cover my external (and internal) flaws. My skin appears irritated and scarred, an outward representation of my forlorn heart.
I know I owe it to myself to be the best person I can be. And emotionally, I am honest and forthcoming, confident I can handle the struggles that come my way. Despite heartbreak and confusion, I try for the things I want and aim to demand the excellent treatment I deserve.
But when I look at my health and nutrition, I’m doing things that fulfill me only temporarily. Stuffing myself with carbs and greasy things to satisfy me instantaneously, to smush down the emptiness that sometimes bubbles inside of me. Eating foods that only make me feel awful afterwards, and I’ve got no one to blame but myself. That all too familiar cycle of self-punishment and loathing is something I battle with every day.
For the most part, I am happy, fortunate, blessed, and dare I say beautiful, smart and worthy of love. All the more reason for me to take care, and nurture this life that’s been bestowed upon me. I don’t know how to change things except in small ways, day by day. Otherwise, the idea of an exteme mind and body “makeover” completely overwhelms me. But thank you for listening, and being here when I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone else, to cause them worry, or to bore them with the inner workings of who I am. This safe and open forum has kept me sane over this past year, and I’m so grateful to have started this blog and met all of you.