A couple years ago I heard a saying,
“If affections be unequal, let the more loving one be me.”
It’s not a popular thing to feel or say, especially in this world of players and games and adult ADD. And we all have a huge sense of pride and self preservation.
But when I think of all the relationships I’ve been through, or how many guys have broken up with me, and not the other way around, I have to admit I feel very little regret. Sure, I spend a lot of time getting angry or upset thinking of how or who did me wrong.But ultimately, I don’t know any other way to be, except completely giving of my entire heart, whether I like it or not. I’ve never had a doubt that I always give someone a real chance when it comes to love. And some of them, they haven’t been straight with me, they haven’t given me their all, they’re terrified, they’re insecure.
It’s all been fine, because I can walk away knowing that ultimately I was myself, and if that’s not something they fall in love with, then I didn’t want them anyway.
Kurt Vonnegut (via thisisjustgreat)
Someone recently pulled me aside and told me sincerely that I seem sad as of late. That I’m not the same happy girl she used to know. That I don’t seem open to meeting someone. I wanted to react defensively but she’s right and I knew it. Though she’s someone who sees me maybe once a year, it caught me off guard and shook my foundation a bit, my ego, the part of me that tries to appear normal, secure, fine.
It’s true, I’ve had trouble getting over some failed relationships in the recent years. I’d given up on dating for a bit because I was too angry or hurt or scared to put myself out there again. I’ve cried about it a lot, written stories, continue writing stories, poems, filling journals. I’ve been told twice this year that I’m overweight, and I know. I know. There are lots of things to sort through, like why didn’t I value myself enough to be with guys that are right for me, why did I stay too long with ones that weren’t? Why haven’t I taken care of my health when I’m lucky enough to have the time to now? There are so many punishments I can lay down, but I’ve done them all, and clearly it’s not working.
I don’t need to be ashamed of who I am right now, I’m probably the only person who needs to be convinced of that and yet it seems to be a pretty fierce argument! This is so much easier said than done.
But it’s getting better and easier, be it slowly, but if I’ve learned anything, rushing life makes it all the more challenging for lessons to sink in. We keep repeating and fumbling till we get it right. And then we’re sometimes still not sure. It’s growing up, actually.
It was an unexpected intervention at a nightclub that night, but I guess it’s nice to know that people still care.
Leaving all my leftovers out on the counter, not sure what or who I will wake up to over there, but I’m willing to find out.
Got a virus last week, felt better Sunday morning, worked out Sunday afternoon, sore throat Tuesday night again.
And I’m still waiting on a new fridge.
That’s my day in Gac’s wompy womperville.
Hope you’re all feeling just fine.